Roadtrip!
by DeadFoxy
Summary: Due to a series of unpredictable events, Kaiba, Joey and the three Hikaris end up traveling together in a desperate attempt to get home safely. If they don't kill each other first. Thus begins the most random roadtrip ever!
1. Oh look, hobos

_Hi there! Finally out of my 'dark' phase, which I'm sure my family and friends are all grateful for. Decided to post something incredibly stupid but unbelievably fun to write. Why? Because I can! Written in collaboration with Wannabe WolfGirl, my incredibly talented, insane, genius of a sister. Hope you enjoy it!_

Kaiba, Yugi, Joey, Ryou and Malik are all flying in Kaiba's private helicopter. Why? We don't know. Anyway, they were flying over an extremely convenient forest when a predictable argument broke out between Kaiba and Joey. Through a series of unforeseen circumstances, the pilot ends up rolling the chopper and all our beloved characters go tumbling to their doom, along with two of those solid briefcases Kaiba always travels with. Unaware of the loss of his precious cargo, the oblivious (soon to be fired) pilot continues on his now peaceful way.

In the forest, there was a brief but loud rain of teenaged boys and luggage. Luckily enough for the participants of this impromptu shower, several objects impeded their progress towards the ground. The result being:

Seto Kaiba found himself in the middle of an unidentified but very prickly bush. The sounds of splashing and inventive cursing meant that at least two of the geek squad were around. After a short, vicious battle, Kaiba emerged to find Ryou dragging himself onto shore from a small but deep pool into which he had landed. However, the swearing continued. Scowling, Kaiba looked around. He spotted a hand and his gaze followed it upward to discover the crazy, blonde Egyptian, Malik, uncomfortably suspended upside-down in a tree. Ice blue eyes met angry lilac ones and there was a momentary silence as the two glared before Ryou piped up from where he lay:

"Don't you think we should get him down?"

As easy as done. Reaching up, Kaiba grabbed the boy by his shirt and pulled. Malik's rapid descent was apparently quite painful, at least according to the long rant he subjected his companions to. Kaiba didn't listen to a word of it, being too preoccupied with his missing briefcases, one of which contained money, the other holding the prototypes for his latest duel-disk models. Spying one of his briefcases, he swooped down on it and opened it eagerly. He swore softly and shut it again. The only thing in it was money. His latest prototypes were missing!

"What? That stupid, no-good…Aah!" Words failing him, Joey Wheeler threw his hands up in disgust. His morning had been unpleasant to start with, and had just deteriorated after falling out of the helicopter. Nothing broke his bone-jarring fall except perhaps for his face. He did, however, manage to cushion the fall of his best friend, who, despite having an entire forest to choose from, decided that his head was the best landing place. After numerous bouts of cursing, apologies, staggering and attempts to stop the world from spinning, he and Yugi stumbled across a silver briefcase. Recognizing it as one of Kaiba's, Joey instantly pounced on it, excitedly telling Yugi that they were saved.

"With the money in this briefcase, once we get out of this forest, we can get home! No problem!"

Upon opening it, Joey was dismayed to find it held nothing but a pair of duel-disks. Yugi, realizing his friend's dreams of riches were shattered, wisely said nothing about their lack of finances and merely patted him on the shoulder, suggesting that they search for their friends.

Anyone who knows anything about being lost in the woods will know the procedure that follows:

While wandering blindly in a random direction, you shout at the top of your lungs. You also trip over tree roots, get your clothing hooked on various plants and get harassed/attacked by the miscellaneous wildlife, from mosquitoes to hawks. The sight of a road, therefore, brings tears of relief to your eyes and you break into the stumbling run of the desperate, yet exhausted, wanderer.

"Oh look, hobos," said Joey when he and Yugi emerged from the undergrowth on the roadside. The three disheveled figures turned and Yugi grinned with delight.

"Ryou, Malik, Kaiba!" he exclaimed. "Are we glad to see you?"

"Shrimp," Kaiba nodded as Yugi was glomped by an overjoyed Malik and a relieved Ryou.

"Mutt," he greeted Joey as he came to stand beside him. Joey glowered at him, and then noticed the briefcase in his hand.

"Aha! So that's the briefcase with the money!" he shouted, pointing at the offending piece of luggage. Kaiba's eyes widened at the sight of his priceless new prototypes being waved recklessly through the air by the annoying blonde.

"Give me those," he growled, reaching for the second briefcase. Joey backed away, grinning insanely.

"Nuh-uh-uh, not so fast moneybags! We need cash to get us home. If you get us back to Domino safe and sound, you can get your little toys back."

The three Hikaris watched with interest as Kaiba's face turned a multitude of colors, ranging from his normal pale complexion to red, blue and white before finally settling back to its usual hue.

"Very well," he agreed stiffly. "Let's go."

Thus begins the craziest road trip in history, as five boys set off down the road, unknowingly heading in the completely wrong direction.

_So? What did you think? It's going to be fun, I can promise you that. The mayhem is only beginning. Until next time, goodbye!_

_DeadFoxy_


	2. A purple minivan?

_Here's the second chapter, in which Kaiba's day gets even more miserable. Also, the Yamis and siblings of our lost heroes decide to get involved! And Kaiba buys a sweet, new ride…_

"A purple minivan," Kaiba said dully, staring at the offending vehicle parked before them.

"Yes! Isn't it awesome?" Yugi gushed at his side as Ryou and Malik clambered happily into the car, with Joey right behind them.

(After trekking for several hours along the empty road, the five of them had come across a conveniently situated motor dealership. Deciding that driving would be much faster than walking, they'd seized the presented opportunity and had entered the business. The haggling and stupidity of the salesman left Kaiba ready to pull his hair out. And despite his best efforts, he'd been overruled by the rest of the group and was now the proud owner of a secondhand purple minivan, much to his irritation. What aggravated his nerves even further was the fact that the salesman, already identified as one of the top ten stupidest people to ever live, couldn't even tell him directions to the nearest town. The dealership's phone was out of order, so calling for someone to pick them up was out of the question. This meant that he would be forced to drive for who knows how long with four of the most annoying people he had ever had the misfortune to meet.)

"Alright, everybody in," he sighed, climbing gingerly into the driver's seat. Yugi clambered into the passenger seat beside him and the other three were already strapped in, in the back.

Time passed smoothly for several hours until hunger overpowered them.

"I'm starving!" Joey complained over the loud grumbling noise of his stomach. Ryou nodded in agreement and Malik poked Kaiba in the back of the head.

"Can't we stop for some food?" he demanded. Kaiba scowled but didn't reply, keeping his eyes firmly on the road in front. Grumpy at the lack of response to his request, Malik poked Kaiba again.

"If you touch me again, Ishtar, I'm stopping this van and throwing you out," Kaiba snapped, still not looking around.

"As long as you throw me out at a restaurant!" Malik snapped back.

"Hey look! A donut shop!" Yugi exclaimed, pointing ahead. Sure enough, there at the side of the road stood a little café, and beside it, a seedy-looking motel.

"Unbelievable," Kaiba muttered, ignoring the cheers coming from the passengers behind him. Staring up at the darkening sky, he made a decision and turned off of the road. It was late and they needed food and rest anyway. There might even be a phone he could use to get them home quicker.

"What do you mean 'They're Missing'!?" Bakura demanded through clenched teeth. Mokuba frowned.

"I mean that they disappeared from the helicopter on their way home!" he snapped back, clearly not intimidated by Ryou's psychotic Yami.

"Five people can not just vanish!" Marik interrupted, ignoring the fact that those sort of things happened all the time when he was around.

"The pilot rolled the helicopter, we think they fell out," Mokuba explained in exasperation. There was a moment of silence.

"They…Fell…Out!"

"Who is this pilot? We must find him and tear him limb from limb!" This violent remark came from none other than Serenity, earning her a high-five from Atemu.

"Much as I'd love to watch you all torture him, we don't have time to waste on him. He's already been fired. Let's concentrate on finding our friends and family instead," Mokuba suggested, trying to remain the voice of reason in this bloodthirsty crowd of outraged Yamis and siblings.

"Very well," Atemu sighed in disappointment. "Where do you think they could be?"

"How can you all be so calm?" Bakura shouted. "What if they're hurt? What if they're dead? What if they lost their decks?" He was brought back to his senses by Marik, who slapped him through the face.

"Get a grip! If something that terrible has happened to them, they need us to remain focused!"

"Right, sorry," Bakura mumbled, rubbing his now-red cheek.

"We need a plan," Serenity announced and they nodded.

"I feel much better," Joey said, patting his now full stomach.

"Do you think we should stay at the motel for the night, or keep going?" Ryou asked, looking at the others.

"I vote motel, I'm exhausted," Malik groaned.

"Seconded," Yugi said.

"Okay, I guess we're staying here for the night," Ryou sighed.

"How can he only have one room left?" Kaiba asked in fury. "Ours is the only car in the parking lot! And who else is desperate enough to stay here?"

"Hobos," Malik answered promptly, "'cause they don't have cars and will crash anywhere for the night."

"Oh, how stupid of me, I should have realized that paying customers would take second place to hobos," Kaiba grumbled sarcastically.

"What number is the room again?" Yugi asked. Kaiba looked down at the grimy key dangling from his hand.

"Number thirteen," he said.

"But there are only four rooms here," Yugi said, looking confused. Kaiba stopped walking and peered closely at the key. He suddenly dropped it with a yell, wiping his hand on his pants in disgust.

"What's the matter now?" Joey demanded, picking up the key.

"It's not a one in front of the three," Kaiba said tersely, "It's lizard poop."

"Eew," Yugi groaned, pulling a face.

Joey snorted and wiped the key off on his trousers before leading them to the room.

"Okay, here we are guys, let's get a good night's sleep and I'm sure we'll all feel better in the morning," he announced confidently. The door swung open and five heads peered inside.

"You've got to be kidding!"

_What have they gotten themselves into this time? Read chapter three to find out!_

_DeadFoxy_


	3. Motel Room of Doom!

_And the next installment has arrived!_

_Warning: this chapter contains undressing, girly screaming, 'Go fish' and the Motel Room of Doom. You have been warned…_

"Why do I get the floor?" Joey grumbled.

"Because I'm paying for the room and those three are small enough to share the bed," Kaiba retorted, throwing his briefcases onto the couch, raising a small cloud of dust. He wrinkled his nose, but sat down and made himself comfortable on the cushions anyway.

"You can have the pillows and extra blanket," Yugi said, throwing a pillow to him. After looking in the cupboard and seeing just what counted as the extra blanket, Malik readily agreed and tossed it to the floor beside the bed. Ryou pretended not to notice the many-legged denizen that scuttled away as its nest was disturbed.

The room was small and shabby, with dirty windows, a sagging double bed and one moth-eaten couch. The TV didn't work, the wallpaper was peeling and there were suspicious stains on the carpet in the corner. All in all, it was probably the most unpleasant place they had ever slept in. That included being outdoors for Duelist Kingdom and the underground tunnels Malik had inhabited as a kid.

"Let's just get to bed and get out of here as soon as possible tomorrow morning," Malik said, removing his shirt.

"What are you doing?" Ryou asked him, puzzled.

"Getting ready for bed, I always sleep in the nude," Malik said in surprise. The other four looked at him.

"New Rule! Clothes are to be worn at all times while sleeping," Yugi announced, glaring at the Egyptian. He'd removed his leather pants and various belts, buckles and boots and was clad only in his boxers and muscle shirt. Ryou was already under the covers, wearing his t-shirt, socks and boxers. Grumbling, Malik took off his shoes and got into bed, still wearing his jeans.

Kaiba merely grunted, removed his boots, took off his long white jacket, threw it over himself, turned over and went to sleep. Looking around, Joey swore under his breath, gathered up the pillows and blanket and proceeded to make himself comfortable on the floor.

The still morning air was pierced by an ear-splitting shriek. Ryou stared in horrified amazement at the biggest cockroach he had ever seen. It was currently staring back at him from its perch upon Malik's foot, which happened to be right beside Ryou's head due to the fact that the Egyptian was a restless sleeper and turned himself around during the night.

Startled from sleep, a surprised Kaiba fell off the couch onto Joey, who awoke with arms flailing and yelling blue murder. Malik sat up with a start, and then shrieked too before waving his foot around in a desperate attempt to dislodge the insect. It flew off and landed beside Joey on the floor, causing Kaiba to scramble hurriedly back onto the couch. Without thinking, Joey picked up the nearest shoe and crushed the cockroach as it scuttled hurriedly away in a desperate break for freedom.

"Oh sure, use **my** boot," Kaiba muttered darkly.

"Shut up," Joey said, falling back amongst the pillows. His gaze landed on Kaiba's foot, which was wearing a lime-green sock bearing orange smiley faces. Before he could say anything though, the door to the bathroom opened and Yugi entered the room, furiously toweling his hair.

"What's all the noise? Did Joey sleep walk again?" he asked.

"Cockroach," Kaiba said succinctly.

"Oh. This place is crawling with them. I woke to find one crawling on Ryou's face. Couldn't sleep after that, so I decided to get up. You might want to watch out for the one in the bathroom. It attacked me and landed in my hair, so I had to wash it," Yugi replied, ignoring the now-twitching Ryou and the disgusted looks from everyone else. He moved out of the doorway to allow Ryou to rush past him and sauntered into the main room. As the sound of running water was heard from behind the closed door, he smiled and held up a grubby-looking pack of playing cards.

"I found these in a cupboard. Who wants to play 'Go Fish'?" he asked brightly.

Ryou whimpered as he scrubbed himself desperately. He didn't think he'd ever feel clean again. Stepping forward to grab a towel, he felt something drop onto his face and he froze. Lowering his eyes, he squinted with horrified fascination at the large, brown cockroach perched merrily on his nose. Screeching like the girl he slightly resembled, he jerked his head back underneath the spray while flailing frantically at the thing. It dropped to the floor and scuttled for cover while he cringed away. Now he would have to scrub all over again!

Coming into the main room, Ryou paused at the sight before him. His companions were sprawled in various states of undress on the bedroom floor in a circle, their attention closely focused on the tatty cards clutched in their hands. Yugi, though, was seated on the bed (having been banned from playing after the first three rounds) and was watching intently. Joey looked up when Ryou cleared his throat and grinned.

"Here, you can take my place," he offered, handing Ryou the cards before wandering into the bathroom and shutting the door behind him. Shrugging his shoulders, Ryou dropped into Joey's recently vacated place and raised an eyebrow at the other players.

"It's Kaiba's turn," Yugi supplied helpfully.

"Okay, Ishtar, got any threes?"

"Dammit!"

Joey hummed contentedly as he relaxed under the warm spray. He was sure things would be better today. They would find a phone, Kaiba would call for assistance and they'd be home for lunch. Speaking of food…

His musings about steak and eggs were cut short when he felt something on his foot. Looking down, he gazed in disgust at the same kamikaze cockroach that had attacked Yugi and Ryou, which was currently attempting to crawl up his leg. With a strangled yell, he kicked out viciously and the cockroach was flung off. Unfortunately, this sharp movement caused him to get soap in his eyes. Half-blinded, he ended up overbalancing. There was a loud THUD!

Muttering curses, eyes burning, Joey pulled himself upright once more, rubbing his now-bruised coccyx. Things just had to get better. They certainly couldn't get any worse.

Kaiba sighed as he rinsed himself under the water, which was still surprisingly warm, despite how long the mutt had taken. The filth and the stress were both washed away and he felt himself relax a little. From the other room, there was a yell and the sound of laughter. Seems that stupid Egyptian was losing again. Attempting to ignore the loud reminder of the existence of his companions, Kaiba turned and came face to feelers with the many legged denizen of the bathroom that had terrorized the others. Out of reflex, his arm shot out and there was a sickening crunch as the unfortunate cockroach was flattened against the wall by his bare palm. He gagged and drew his hand away with a grimace. Staring at the twitching remains for a moment, he drew his hand under the water and began scrubbing. This was just too much…

Malik was in a foul mood. He'd lost four consecutive games of 'Go Fish' in a row and was contemplating burning the deck in retaliation. There was also the fact that beside him on the wall of the shower, exactly at eye-level, there were the mutilated remains of a cockroach. It creeped him out. Still, at least the water was warm.

He washed quickly and jumped out, drying himself off hurriedly. Pulling on his boxers and jeans, he heard a strange rustling noise. He turned and caught sight of the cockroach once more. But that wasn't what scared him this time. What scared him were the hundreds of thousands of writhing family members covering the wall around it, all appearing to glare at him. He opened his mouth and screamed…

_DUM DUM DAAA! What will happen next? Will our favourite heroes survive the apocalyptic revenge of the killer cockroaches? And where are the Yamis? Find out next time on: Survivor Motel, Yu-gi-oh! Edition._

_DeadFoxy_


	4. Fate's Love

_I'm baaaaack! And here is some further torture for our dearly-beloved characters. So get ready for payphones, tears and…arrests? O.O_

If there were anybody else out and about at that early hour of the morning, they would have been witness to one of the strangest scenes to ever take place outside of that rundown motel. A piercing scream echoed throughout the surrounding area and was soon followed by a loud cacophony of yells, shrieks, cries of pain and various thuds, bangs and thumping noises.

The door to room 3 burst open as a wild-looking blonde wearing nothing but jeans, his tattooed back glistening with water, sprinted into the parking lot, clutching an armful of clothing, shoes and a huge amount of jewelry. Close on his heels was a pale boy with sopping wet, white hair. He was actually dressed, with only a jacket slung over his arm. They were followed by two more boys. The taller blonde did not seem to care that he was only in boxers and a t-shirt as he was waving his hands wildly, which were holding his jeans, sneakers and jacket. The shorter one, while appearing to have all his clothing on, was carrying a multitude of belts, buckles and chains. The very last person to exit the room, also at high speed, was a tall, almost fully dressed, brunette. A long jacket was draped over one shoulder and his boots were clasped tightly in his fist. For someone running only in green and orange smiley-socks, he seemed to be achieving a fair amount of momentum.

All five skidded to a halt in front of a purple mini-van and the brunette was fumbling frantically with a set of keys while the others begged him to hurry. Within seconds, they were nothing but a mere speck in the distance, leaving an impressive dust trail behind them.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"Did we lose them?" Malik gasped, gazing worriedly out of the back window as they sped down the empty dirt road.

"They're not a biker gang, Ishtar! They were just cockroaches!" Kaiba snapped, but he didn't slow down and his eyes flickered to the rearview mirror slightly more often than necessary.

"Those were not just cockroaches! They had to have been escaped duel-monsters, or maybe genetic experiments!" Joey exclaimed. He was struggling to pull on his jeans while staying strapped in. Ryou remained silent, his eyes wide and his face slightly green. Yugi said nothing either, but concentrated on putting on the last of his buckles, refusing to think about the horrors they'd endured while attempting to escape the Wrath of the 'Roaches. An hour later, they found themselves on the outskirts of a small town and sagged with relief. Finally! This nightmare would soon be over…

They gazed with some misgiving at the payphone before them. Nobody said anything, but all were thinking the exact same thing. _'No way in hell am I putting that to my face!'_

"Stupid hick-town! How can this be their only phone? If they were any more backward, they'd be living in caves!" Kaiba muttered. His glare was currently melting a hole right through the pavement. Beside him, Yugi sighed and turned to his companions.

"Alright, so, who has a quarter?" he asked. He was met with blank expressions, stricken looks and a despairing groan from the billionaire. There was a moment of awkward shuffling while pockets and wallets were turned inside out. Just when things had reached the desperate 're-check' stage, Joey let out a triumphant cry and proudly held out two coins. Kaiba swiped them with a smirk and stalked over to the phone. Inserting the one, he dialed confidently and waited.

"_Thank-you for calling Kaiba Corp. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties and we apologize most sincerely for the inconvenience. Our expert technicians will attempt to have the problem rectified as soon as possible. In the mean time, have a wonderful day and please call again later." Click._

The despairing "No!" that Malik held for almost two minutes drew quite a bit of attention and applause. This distracted everyone from the fact that Kaiba had sunk down to sit on the curb, his head in his hands and what seemed suspiciously like tears in his eyes. Yugi finally noticed and patted the broken CEO comfortingly on the shoulder.

"There, there. We'll find some way out of this. We just need to try again! We still have another quarter, so we can try one more time," he said, appearing more positive than he felt. Kaiba nodded, brushed his hand over his face and stood up, once more looking like the commanding businessman he was. The five stranded teens then huddled together to try and decide who to call.

"Well, it's no use calling my house. Grandpa's gone to Egypt with Rebecca and her grandfather."

"We can call my sister! She'll help us."

"Does your sister even have a phone, Ishtar?"

"Oh, yeah. Never mind."

"Well, my father is away for work, so no one's home."

"And it's no use calling my dad, he's hopeless. And both Tea and Tristan are away with their families."

"What about Duke?"

"Nah, he's doing business with Pegasus. He won't be back for a week."

"Pegasus?"

"I'd rather drive you losers to hell and back in that disgusting minivan before I call that freak!"

"Okay, okay. No need to get so worked-up, Kaiba. Sheesh!"

"Shut up, mutt. What about your Yamis?"

"Are you kidding? They can't even make toast properly, never mind answer the phone and then drive out here to fetch us!"

"It was just a suggestion."

"A bad one!"

"What about your sister, Joey? Couldn't she and your mom come and fetch us?"

"That's a great idea, Yug'! Where's that quarter? We've got a call to make!"

The teens waited with bated breath as the phone rang. Joey nearly fainted with joy when his mother picked up the phone.

"Mom? Yeah, it's Joey. Listen, I need…no, Mom! Can you just…How should I know? Now, can I please…Enough! This is serious! My friends and I are in trouble and we need your help. Can you please come…"

_Your time has expired. Please insert another coin._

This time, all five of them cried. They had been so close! Their grieving was interrupted when an old gentleman wandered past them. A bright, shiny quarter fell from a small hole in his coat pocket and rolled to a stop right in front of a gaping Malik, who stared at it in disbelief before giving an excited whoop. He picked up the shiny quarter and rushed to the pay-phone, shoving it into the right slot. What happened next was the last straw. The quarter jammed.

XxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxX

"I can't believe you got arrested for vandalizing that payphone," Yugi said calmly, taking a sip of his milkshake.

"Yeah, well, it deserved it," Malik replied sulkily, toying with his french-fries.

"You're just lucky Kaiba had enough money to persuade them to drop the charges," reprimanded Ryou.

"I'm just glad he didn't actually have to pay them that much. We still have more than enough to last us for a while," Joey said around a mouthful of onion rings. Kaiba remained quiet. He was already finished with his burger and wanted to get the hell out of this one-horse town and to someplace that actually resembled civilization.

There had to be some universal law that things could never go smoothly for Seto Kaiba, Yugi Moto, Joey Wheeler, Ryou Bakura and Malik Ishtar. Several hours out of town, a small beeping informed the CEO-turned-designated-driver that their only mode of transportation was running out of gas. Swearing quietly, he commanded his companions to keep an eye out for a gas station. This was futile.

And just when things looked completely hopeless, something happened to convince the group that Fate did not in fact hate them. No. She was in fact a sadistic hag that loathed, despised and tormented them for no other reason than she was bored. If she were a little boy, they would be the ants she fried with a magnifying glass.

In other words, their tire burst.

_Fate? I think not, gentlemen. It's just a mentally-unstable authoress and her equally disturbed sister. Oh well! If you want to see how our intrepid adventurers get themselves out of this jam, tune in next time for another installment of Roadtrip! Episode 5: Suffocating Stupidity!_

_Love DeadFoxy and Wannabe WolfGirl._


	5. Suffocating Stupidity

_This is where things really start to get interesting. Perhaps this chapter is not quite as funny as the previous ones, but it was necessary to set the scene for future fun. So go ahead and see if you can guess what'll happen next!_

.

"Okay, here's the plan. We're going to split up. Some of us will head up the road to see if we can find any help and the rest will stay here with the van in case a motorist comes along, or something," Ryou decided, looking around to see if everyone agreed. They all nodded. It wasn't like they could think of anything better to do.

"I'll go. If I stay here, I'm gonna go mad," Joey volunteered.

"That settles it. I'm staying with the van," Kaiba stated firmly. No way was he going to trudge along a deserted dirt road, in the middle of nowhere, for who knows how long, with the mutt. He'd very quickly lose the last shreds of sanity that he was still clinging to.

"Aaaah, is the Ice King afraid he'll melt with a little sunshine and exercise?" Malik taunted

"Malik, why don't you go with Joey? Ryou and I can wait with Kaiba," Yugi suggested hurriedly, heading off the impending argument with a pleading gaze at his best friend, who took the hint and grabbed hold of the Egyptian.

"Come on! The sooner we find somebody, the sooner we can get going again!" Joey said cheerfully, waving goodbye to the others. Malik grumbled but allowed himself to be dragged away.

"Umm, didn't we just come from that direction?" Ryou asked worriedly and Kaiba groaned.

"Joey! You need to go the other way!" Yugi shouted.

"I knew that! I was just testing you!"

The two adjusted course and passed the group as they marched determinedly in the opposite direction. As the blondes vanished into the distance, Yugi, Ryou and Kaiba made themselves comfortable in the shade of the van. Yugi sighed.

"And now, we wait."

XXXX Several Hours Later XXXX

"Gotta…stop…need…water…food…donuts…"

"Will you please shut up about food? I'm hungry too, ya know!" Joey snapped, wiping his forehead and glaring at his whiny companion. Malik was trudging along beside him, head hanging and shoulders drooping, presenting a rather pathetic picture. Too bad there was nobody but the buzzards to see it.

Joey himself wasn't faring any better. His throat was burning and it felt like his stomach was about to eat its way out of his body. The sun was beating down unmercifully and he was convinced that this was quite possibly the stupidest thing he'd ever done, including the time he'd eaten dog-chews thinking they were beef jerky. Glancing sideways, a thought occurred to him.

"Shouldn't you be used to this? I mean, you lived in Egypt, in the middle of the desert!" he asked curiously. Malik shot him a dirty look, but it was half-hearted at best. He just didn't have the energy to do more than that. Turning his attention back to the long road ahead of them, he stopped and squinted. Was that what he thought it was? Joey, finally noticing that he was walking alone, turned to stare impatiently at him.

"Joey? Am I hallucinating, or do those look like buildings to you?" Malik said slowly. Joey's gaze followed where he was pointing and his breath caught.

"No way!" he breathed, a large grin slowly forming. Malik began to laugh weakly, relief causing his legs to turn to jelly. When both regained their composure slightly, they headed off towards the town with new determination. Things were finally looking up for them.

When the two finally staggered into the outskirts of the town, the first place they headed was the gas-station. The others were counting on them. Peering inside, they were disappointed to discover it was as empty as the fridge in Joey's apartment. It was also dusty, as if nobody had been there in a long time. The whole place had an abandoned, empty feel to it. Discouraged, and slightly nervous, the two then headed for the building opposite, which, according to the broken sign, was the police station. Pushing on the door, it opened with an eerie creak worthy of a horror movie. Joey and Malik shuffled in. There was nobody there, either. The building itself looked rundown and decrepit.

"I don't like this," Joey said tensely. Malik nodded.

"Yeah, this place is as lifeless as your brain," he whispered, then ducked to avoid the boy's angry fist. They backed out hurriedly and headed down the street. All the buildings were empty and boarded up. It was nothing but a ghost town, without the ghosts. There was not a soul in sight. Heading back to the gas-station, Joey cheered up slightly when they managed to scavenge some old candy bars and a can of soda that seemed to be still drinkable. They also discovered a spare tire and found that there was still some gas left. Gathering some containers together, they prepared for the long trek back. Hopefully it would be enough.

XXXX Time Passes XXXX

Going back was even slower than before, what with all the things they were carrying. By the time the minivan came into sight, the sun was going down, Joey had a blister the size of a bowling ball on his heel and Malik had eaten two of the candy bars. They hurried on through the gathering darkness.

"Oy! We could use a little help here!" Joey called, but he received no answer. Scowling, he shifted his grip on the spare wheel and tried again. "Will you lot get off of your lazy butts and carry some of this stuff?"

"Hello? Guys? We brought food!" Malik yelled, but there was still no sign of movement. Joey set down the containers with the gas in and dropped the tire. Walking around the side of the minivan, he saw something was blowing in the slight breeze that had sprung up. Peering intensely in the dim light, he froze when he caught sight of Yugi's jacket, which seemed to be hooked on a scrubby little bush further down the road. A small noise grabbed his attention and he motioned for Malik to stay quiet. It was coming from the rear of the minivan. Creeping forward, he paused for a second before leaping out.

Ryou screamed. Joey screamed. Malik screamed. Ryou hit Joey. Joey staggered backwards. Malik laughed. Joey kicked Malik. Malik swore. Ryou gave of cry of relief and leaped onto the two blondes, causing all three to fall over.

"What the hell? Ryou, what happened? Where are the others?"

"They're gone! I was sitting in the van and Yugi and Kaiba had headed down back down the road a little ways because Yugi had said that he'd seen someone coming. These strange people pulled up in this old truck and next thing I know, Kaiba's yelling and the truck's rushed off. They took them! I didn't…I don't…What are we going to do?" he wailed. Both Malik and Joey stared at him in shock and horror. In the silence that followed, Malik's attention was caught by something glittering softly in the fading rays of the sun. Walking over, he picked up a very familiar object. Turning to the other two, he showed them what he had found. In his hand was a small, leather choker with a silver buckle.

"That's Yug's! He'd never take it off!" Joey cried, rushing forward and grabbing it. Malik didn't answer, for he'd seen another glint in the distance and he hurried towards it. It was another buckle, and it was lying beside an old, dirt beaten track that led off across the empty wilderness.

"Hey guys, I think Yugi's left us a trail of breadcrumbs," he said calmly.

_Oh no! Two of our heroes have been kidnapped! But don't you worry, the three stooges…I mean, musketeers, are hotfoot to the rescue! To find out what happened during Joey and Malik's little side-trip, you'll have to wait for the next chapter! _

_Love to you all_

_DeadFoxy_


	6. Possum?

_Hi! Sorry it's been so long, things have been hectic. But you don't want to hear about my boring life! You came here for the new chapter, so here it is! Enjoy!_

"I wonder what's taking those two so long?" Ryou grumbled, shuffling so that he could remain in the ever-shrinking patch of dubious shade cast by the minivan.

"Maybe they've died," Kaiba suggested snidely. "That would do everybody a favour."

"Oh, be quiet," Yugi sighed. He'd taken his jacket off and hung it on a nearby bush in an attempt to stay cool. He'd been unsuccessful. Staring down the road, his attention was caught by a small dust cloud. He turned back to the other two and called excitedly.

"Hey, you guys! I think there's a car coming. Come on!" Kaiba and Ryou exchanged a glance and Kaiba nodded resignedly.

"I'll stay with the van," Ryou said tiredly, gazing up at the blazing sun with distaste. "Why don't you two go down the road a bit and see if you can get their attention?"

"Great idea, Ryou!" smile Yugi excitedly. It seemed that the possibility of rescue had revived his flagging spirits. He grabbed hold of Kaiba's hand and began pulling him towards the growing dust cloud.

"I can walk just fine by myself, Moto!" Kaiba snapped, yanking his hand free and striding ahead. Yugi ignored him in favour of peering into the distance, bouncing anxiously on the spot.

Pretty soon, a dirty old pickup truck came trundling into sight. Its original colour was uncertain as it was now an indeterminate brown from the dusty road. When the driver spotted Yugi and Kaiba, the truck slowed and came to a halt beside them. Yugi took a step behind the teenage CEO. Two very large men in grubby plaid shirts were sitting in the front of the truck and a third was lounging in the back.

"Well, lookee 'ere, boys. We got ourselves two young fellers with a bit o' car trouble, I reckon," the driver drawled, giving the teens a yellow-toothed grin.

"Yes, sorry, you see…" Yugi began but was interrupted by Kaiba.

"I don't suppose any of you know where we can get a spare tire and some gas for our van? Or do you possibly have a cell phone we might borrow?" he demanded, ignoring the tugging on his jacket by a nervous Yugi.

"We got us no phone, but ya'll welcome to join us fer supper an' me, Darryl and Billy Joe can help you fellers our with yer van after. I'm Carl, by the way. Climb on up," the driver replied, jabbing a finger towards the back of the truck.

"Well, that's very kind of you, but you see…" Yugi was once again cut short as a large meaty hand clamped down on his shoulder and hoisted him into the back of the truck. Kaiba's yelling indicated he'd also been manhandled into the back with Yugi. Quick as a flash, Yugi unhooked the clasp of his leather collar and dropped it over the edge onto the road as the truck roared to life. A minute later he'd dropped another one as the truck turned off the road onto an extremely rough dirt track. He didn't know where they were going, but he was sure the others would not be able to find it without a trail. He only hoped that they reached their destination before he ran out of accessories…

Twenty horrifying minutes later, Yugi was seated in a ramshackle building surrounded by the ever-affable Carl's numerous relatives, about to be fed a pie made with what he suspected to be roadkill.

To make the situation even more terrifying, Kaiba was grinning. That's right. Not frowning, not even smiling, but grinning. A full-blown, genuine grin of pure and unadulterated happiness. Yugi didn't think he'd ever been more afraid.

"I can't believe you made actual possum pie. I haven't had proper possum since the orphanage!" the usually stuck-up teen was exclaiming to a blushing, middle-aged redhead called Suanne, who was apparently Darryl's wife. Poking doubtfully at the meal with his fork, Yugi bit back a yelp as something scuttled from behind his pie to hide under a cabbage leaf. Laying down his fork, he smiled weakly up at their hosts.

"Thank you so much for inviting us to join you, but we really shouldn't be imposing on your family like this. Perhaps we should go?" he suggested, edging towards the door, steadfastly refusing to glance at Kaiba, who had paused in his enthusiastic tasting of the wretched pie to pin him with a surprised look, which quickly became a death glare.

"Don' be silly, son. You jus' set yerself down an' make yerself at home. Possum?" asked Suanne, waving the plate under his nose. He forced himself not to back away.

"It's quite alright, thank you. I've had more than enough and I wouldn't want to spoil what I've had of your lovely cooking by eating too much." Her smile revealed several prominent gaps where teeth should have been. Gingerly sitting back down between Kaiba and one of the dozens of grubby children with the slightly crazed smiles that seemed to be in every corner of the house, Yugi prayed that this would all be over soon. Yes, Carl and his family were very hospitable, but the others would be frantic and he wasn't sure how long he could fend off Suanne's increasingly persistent attempts to fatten him up.

"Now what?" Malik asked, glaring suspiciously at the farmhouse they'd been led to. There was a chicken coop around the side and what looked like a small barn. A dirty truck was parked outside the house and they could see lights shining from the house windows. The whole yard was surrounded by a rusty barbed-wire fence.

"We gotta find where they're holding Kaiba and Yug'," replied Joey, his brown eyes scanning the area and Yugi's jacket clenched in his fists. Ryou didn't bother to make a sound. He was still winded from running all the way from the minivan lugging both of Kaiba's briefcases.

"Explain to me again why we brought these?" he eventually gasped.

"In case we need to pay these guys some ransom or something for our friends!" Joey hissed back, then paused. "Well, friend and annoying walking wallet."

"First things first, let's get past that fence. It should be pretty simple," said Malik, beginning to stand from where he'd been crouched behind a thorn bush. At that moment, a large, mean-looking dog loped around from the other side of the house and spotted him. It gave a fierce bark and ran up to the fence, where it began pacing, growling thunderously.

"Yeah, simple. Anyone got any bright ideas on how to get past the newly materialized hell-hound?" Ryou snorted sarcastically.

Before either of the other two could reply to that, the air was split by a shrill shriek.

"Was that…Kaiba?"

_Has Kaiba succumbed to Suanne's terrible cooking? Has Yugi been eaten alive by the demon children of Carl? Has the hound from hell had his rabies shot? Who knows? Keep reading to find out. _

_Love _

_DeadFoxy_

_P.S. My apologies for Carl and his brood. I live in South Africa, so we don't really get American-style hillbillies here. I had to improvise. So if I offend anyone, a thousand apologies and it was never intended to be insulting._

_P.P.S. All critiques and reviews welcome!_


	7. Blue Crown

_I'M NOT DEAD! (cough) I mean…Hello, dear readers. It has been too long, hasn't it? My sincerest apologies for the inconvenience you have suffered. And now, if you'll kindly turn off your cellphones, we can start the show! (lights dim and curtain rises…)_

"It's wonderful! My brother will be so excited! Thank you so much!" Kaiba gushed, grabbing Suanne into a one-armed hug, the other arm protectively clutching a grubby piece of paper to his chest. Just visible were the words: PIE RECIPE.

Yugi rolled his eyes as Suanne blushed and Carl laughed and clapped Kaiba heartily on the shoulder. He turned his attention back to the cards in his hand and then looked carefully at his opponent.

"Have you got any eights?" he asked cautiously.

"Go Fish!" the five-year-old sang out confidently while her siblings laughed at his bad luck. Jessi was turning out to be more of a challenge than he had thought. Meanwhile…

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"I'm telling you! The only way we're getting in is if one of us distracts the dog and the other two make a run for it," Malik urged. Ryou's horrified gaze rapidly shifted between the determined Egyptian and the now-foaming dog still pacing the perimeter of the fence. Joey was shaking his head.

"You're insane. Nobody's stupid enough to volunteer to be a chew-toy for that thing!" he exclaimed.

"So we play for it. The loser has to be the distraction," Malik countered, a crafty look on his face.

"Alright, but let's make this quick. Who knows what's happening in there! We've already heard Kaiba scream. I don't wanna hear Yug' getting tortured too," the blonde replied.

"Unless they tortured him first and we were too far away to hear it," Ryou muttered, before flinching at the deadly glare thrown his way by Joey.

"On the count of three, we play rock, paper or scissors," Malik interrupted. "One, two, three!" There was silence for a moment.

"What the heck is that supposed to be?" Ryou finally asked.

"Dynamite! It means I beat both of you," Malik replied smugly. Both Ryou and Joey stared at him for a moment before exchanging a knowing glance. Two seconds later, Malik was sprinting as fast as he could while mumbling Egyptian curses under his breath, a rapidly gaining dog close behind him.

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"Psst!" a voice whispered and Yugi looked around, startled. He was sitting alone by the window, having been thoroughly trounced by the grinning Jessi, who was now trying on his last remaining silver bracelet with triumphant glee. Kaiba was seated with Suanne at the table, poring over her book of recipes, pointing out ones he was familiar with and having an in-depth conversation about spices and temperatures. Yugi privately thought that he had been poisoned by the food and was now delirious, but wisely kept this observation to himself. Carl and his brothers had left the house, saying something about someone upsetting their new puppy, Lulu, while the rest of the children were involved in an intricate game concerning a lot of running about randomly and screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Psst! Yugi!" came the voice again and he turned, catching sight of a pair of brown eyes peering anxiously through a gap in the shutters. Checking to make sure nobody was watching, Yugi cautiously opened them and came face to worried face to terrified face with Joey and Ryou. Before he could do more than gape at them, he was distracted by an even more startling occurrence.

"Yugi!" screamed Malik, wheeling into view like a crazy whirling-dervish, a snarling dog at his heels and three large, plaid-shirted men right behind them. In an astonishing display of athletic ability, he leaped through the open window, scooped Yugi over his shoulder and dashed out the door at the opposite end of the room.

Ryou and Joey hesitated a second before scrambling in after him, grabbing an outraged Kaiba on the way. They were briefly halted in their rescue attempt by Kaiba's struggles and anguished cries about recipes before Joey knocked him out with a convenient empty pie dish and slung him over his shoulder. This left Ryou to carry the two heavy suitcases once again, which he did quite hurriedly, as the dog and the three men chasing them had been joined by an angry-looking woman followed by a multitude of screaming children.

Malik had reached the truck out front by this time and threw a very confused Yugi into the back before clambering into the driver's seat, where the keys were still in the ignition. A heartbeat later, Joey joined Yugi in the back, an unconscious Kaiba dumped beside him while Ryou leaped in front beside Malik. They tore out of the yard, tires screeching, leaving a very confused and slightly worried family behind.

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By the time Kaiba regained consciousness, they were far from anything remotely familiar and had just passed a sign stating that the Blue Crown hotel was only 50 miles ahead. Groaning and squinting in an attempt to see past the excruciating pain that caused stars to flash in front of his eyes, he heard Yugi complaining about a cheating five-year-old who lied while playing 'Go Fish'. His memories returned in a rush and he sat up swearing.

"Oh good, you're not dead," his annoying, blonde nemesis grinned, before turning back to the supposed King of Games, who had paused in his whining to glance at him in concern.

"How are you feeling? Are you back to normal?" Yugi asked worriedly. Kaiba ignored him in favour of turning a baleful glare on Joey, who smirked infuriatingly back at him. He hit him upside the head, turning away with a smirk of his own when the blonde yelped. He looked curious though when Yugi sighed in apparent relief.

"Oh good. You were acting pretty strange back there and I thought that we might have a problem for a while. But it seems that having Joey hit you with a pie dish brought you back to your senses. What a relief." He grinned then at Kaiba, unaware of the brunette's sudden burning desire to kill each and every one of them.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The sun was rising as they reached the turning for the Blue Crown Hotel, and everyone gave a silent prayer of thanks that they had made it there alive. Malik's driving skills left a lot to be desired, mainly to do with survival.

The five were quite aware of how bizarre they looked with their dirty clothing and their filthy (and stolen) pickup truck. They were even more aware of their appearance when they finally caught sight of the hotel itself. Unlike their previous accommodations, the Blue Crown Hotel was clearly a quality, five-star establishment and it was with some misgiving that the group pulled up and approached the entrance. For a moment, it seemed as though the doorman was going to refuse to allow them entry until Kaiba put on his most obnoxious sneer and marched past as though he were the king of the world. The other four scurried in after him.

After much arguing and explaining, they were given three rooms. This meant four of them would be doubling up and one would get a single room to himself.

"I book Yugi!" Joey yelled, grabbing his diminutive friend around the neck, causing him to yelp in surprise. Kaiba's eyebrow twitched but before he was able to make a scathing remark about the mutt clearly needing a keeper anyway, he was distracted by a tugging on his tattered-looking coat.

"I don't want to share with Malik," Ryou said softly, gazing pleadingly up at him. "He sleeps naked." Kaiba looked over at the Egyptian, who was currently eyeing out the cute girl behind the reception desk, and then back at the white-haired youth giving him puppy eyes. He sighed.

"Fine. Ishtar gets the single room."

_Odd place to end, I know. But I want to dedicate an entire chapter to the hotel scene so it's best if we cut it off here. Not as funny, I know, but I promise they get better. And we're nearly at the end now. Only a few more to go. I'm thinking about writing a sequel of sorts, detailing the adventures of the yamis and siblings as they scour the countryside for our missing heroes. What do you think?_

_Lots of love (And sorry again for the long delay)_

_DeadFoxy_

_P.S. Thanks so much for all the reviews and critiques, not to mention the alerts and tagging this as a favourite. It means so much to me that you guys actually respond!_


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